Veritable Tantrum

Wisconsin isn’t doing so well, guys.

The financial news site 24/7 Wall St. just compiled a list of the top 20 “Drunkest Cities in America.” The list came from data drawn from County Health Rankings & Roadmaps, a collaborative project between Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the University of Wisconsin Population Health Institute.

Here’s where you can find the largest concentration of boozers/the most people who yawn in Technicolor on a daily occasion/the American citizens who have the health capacities of dumpster water…

1. Appleton, Wis.

2. Oshkosh, Wis.

3. Green Bay, Wis. (of fucking course)

4. Madison, Wis.

5. Fargo

6. La Crosse, Wis.

7. Fond du Lac, Wis.

8. Ames, Iowa

9. Eau Claire, Wis.

10. Mankato, Minn.

11. Wausau, Wis.

12. Sheboygan, Wis.

13. Missoula, Mont.

14. Grand Forks, N.D.

15. Racine, Wis.

16. Janesville, Wis.

17. Milwaukee

18. Lincoln, Neb.

19. Iowa City

20. Corvallis, Ore.

That’s a shit ton of Wisconsin. The fact that the Badger State showed up 12 times on this list of 20 cities shows how Wisconsin’s alcohol problem is about as subtle as a marching band.

Just check out jolly ole’ Appleton, one of the state’s rosy-farted county seats. Roughly 27% of Appleton’s adult residents get shithoused and about 33% of driving-related deaths involved alcohol. There’s literally 4.4 watering holes for every 10,000 residents, which is more than three times the national average.

Not even a college town in Ireland could make those numbers up.