Veritable Tantrum

Man, stocks sure are going MENTAL right now.

The market just notched another all-time high, then another, then another. This is great. This is fantastic. If this isn’t enough to gaslight David Tice into a reticent state of mental paralysis, I don’t know what is. Like David Tepper tells his wife: hold the fucking position until I tell you I’m done. The Davids are SO IN on this rally.

Well, I might as well sell just a little bit. Pocket a little extra spending money for the weekend. It’s Jan. 30, the Dow’s down just a smidge. Still on track for a monthly gain, though. Eh, why not.

*Sells AMZN at 50% gain*

*Goes comatose binging on caviar-infused beef Wellington*

*Wakes up Feb. 5*

OH, MY, GOD.

Sell the house. Sell the dog. Sell the kids’ braces. 1,175-point loss? Is that even possible?!? It used to not be! NOW IT IS.

God, everything’s in the red. DLR, my piddling SGYP holding, my even more piddling CHK position. IT’S LIKE THE ELEVATOR SCENE FROM THE SHINING.

Grab the gun out of the safe. Sleep with it. Keep the business channel on, though. I know, I know — it’s the most terrifying nightlight ever. Just try to make it ’til morning. Keep repeating that over and over in your head while screaming yourself to sleep.

*Wakes up Feb. 6*

Oh wait, the Dow closed up 2.3% today. Yeah, the best day since 2006. It’s fine, we’re fine. It’s fine.

What do I learn from all this? Is there a lesson to be seen in my children’s now crooked teeth? Is it that stocks are a wily temptress and a silly black hole of prognostication and that no one knows where the fuck they’re going and that no one ever has with any sound sense of authority, ever?

I don’t know. Let me just see what CNBC thinks.