Veritable Tantrum

LOS ANGELES—While crafting a tribute statement to his cousin and Beach Boys co-founder Brian Wilson on Wednesday, Mike Love suffered a minor heart attack upon learning he could now seize full control of the band’s entire song catalog after already being awarded $13 million in a contentious lawsuit against Wilson in 1994. “He was murmuring to himself, ‘That settlement over the songwriting credits was nothing compared to all the cash and pussy I’ll get now,’ when suddenly he collapsed out of his wheelchair,” said Love’s wife Jacqueline Piesen, who at the time of the incident was embroidering a gold Hawaiian shirt with the phrase “The Last Surviving Beach Boy.” Love was immediately flown to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where he has been in stable condition and asking staff every 20 minutes if Al Jardine had been hit by a car yet.