Veritable Tantrum

LOS ANGELES—Standing tall among an ocean of choking, collapsed protestors, a local man attending the “No Kings” demonstration in Glendale remained unharmed by the tear gas deployed by the Los Angeles Police Department after officers realized he was only protesting the dangerous dryness of Popeyes biscuits. The protestor, Baxter Washburn, thought the crowd was organizing in support of his girlfriend, who last month attempted suicide at the North Hollywood Popeyes by eating two biscuits without a Diet Coke. “I was starting to get really scared as tear gas canisters and flash bangs were flying all around me,” said Washburn, whose chant “don’t risk it for a crumbly biscuit” drew warm smiles from the line formation of LAPD riot police. He continued, “I realized I was at the wrong protest when a few cops told me ‘hell yeah brother’ on their way to dragging screaming protestors across the ground.” Eyewitnesses said several more officers fist-bumped Washburn in support of his cause, at which point Washburn began to negotiate a truce between the police and protestors that ultimately collapsed when officers started randomly arresting nearby homeless individuals.